The cursor won’t stop blinking. Even when I don’t look at it, I know it’s there. Mocking me for the empty page in front of me. I know every page starts empty, but I feel the mockery nonetheless. The lack of words proves the whispers in my ear – You have NOTHING to offer.
I don’t often struggle with writer’s block. Unless I am depressed. Then, even crafting one sentence is almost physically painful.And a full coherent essay means hours of work. For example, the 100 words or so above took me about three hours. But I don’t want to hide behind my sorrows any longer.
Heavy Water
I struggle with cyclical depression. Twice a year, usually in March and November, things get difficult for me. At first, I can shoulder the burden. I feel tired most of the day. I go to sleep earlier. I play with the kids less. But I cope.
Until things stop working.
It is as if I fall into a deep pool of heavy water. Water that weighs more than I do, and holds me down. The more I struggle, the more entangled I become. Eventually, it takes all my effort to rise up above the surface for a breath. I have strength for one desperate gasp before I am pulled back under the ugly blinding mess of my depression.
I don’t hide it well
I do my best to cover up the pain I don’t understand and can’t explain. I put my best fake smile on and try to emulate the Chris people are accustomed to interacting with.
It never works.
Anyone who knows me even a little sees that something is wrong. They mention that I seem a little off and wait to see if I will engage them. I usually hide behind a lie, saying I am tired or having a tough day.
The ones who care even more press me. They want to know how to help. But I have no answers. How do you help a person drowning in water that outweighs them? If I knew, I would already be out of the pit already.
When prayers seem lame
At the end of the conversation, everyone offers to pray for me. Even those who won’t normally pray, because they know my faith matters to me. For some reason, it always seems apologetic, even sad. “Wish I could do something. Guess I will just pray.”
I want to correct them for that simple word, “just.” I want to tell them it’s never “just praying.” Connecting with the Creator of the idea of jumping and neurons and tomatoes – the most imaginative Being in the entire universe – should never be “just” anything.
But when I am being overcome by unnaturally weighty water, I connect with the just. I am just praying too. And most of the time, it just seems lame.
I know God is moving. I know He is good, every day, all the time. Some days, it’s harder to see. Especially when you are gasping for breath and blinded by sorrows. That’s where the guilt comes in.
Here Come the Voices
I have friends who struggle with depression like this, and I never judge them when they are down and out. Yet when the darkness comes upon me, condemnation is a screaming horde.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Look at your life – why in the world are you sad? Has God not blessed you enough? You have serious issues, Chris! You have no right to lead anyone – your family, your readers, nobody. Are you seriously trying to get a book published about a successful life? You suck.
If I am not careful, these accusations can quickly escalate (though it’s been many years since I’ve entertained them):
Nobody cares. Why even bother moving forward in life? Your family would be happier without you. Just end it.
The cacophony of lies streaming at me become hard to manage. These thoughts refuse to listen to me. They won’t line up one by one, so I can deal with them all in due course. I am not very good at pushing through. I spend a lot of time cursing the dark. But one thought keeps me from wandering too far.
I wish this verse would melt the water and free me from the grip of depression. But it doesn’t. It gives me something to cling to. It keeps me from moving so deep under the muck that I cannot come back up.
In time, I am able to conquer this depression. I don’t know how it happens really. Sometimes, I use anti-depressants and I recover. Other times, the meds do nothing. And sometimes I do just fine after a brief bout with this cyclical depression with no medication at all. There is no rhyme or reason to its end.
A Warrior Arises from the Water
I am trying to view these bouts with depression differently now. Not as a proof of failure, but as a history of battles won. I am learning to see myself as a warrior, a veteran of many battles. I have scars. I limp.
I see the world through different eyes. But I have fought my enemy many times, and each time I have been victorious. So it is with each of us who are fighting depression.
So powerful! So glad you wrote this and shared it!!!!!!!
Chris, you are so courageous sharing this. Thank you so much. Here for you whenever you need me dude. You have so much to offer the world.
“Especially when you are gasping for breath and blinded by sorrows.” Wow Chris that line floored me. I’m not sure why we suffer or why others suffer much more than me. Sharing your story and sharing your sorrows gives “breath” to those who suffer. Though your words are carved out of pain, they give hope to those in pain. They say “you’re not alone.” Thanks friend. #dudewriters4ever
Beautiful Chris! Very beautiful. Virtual courageous, comforting hugs to you!
Lotta, thanks so much for reading, and for encouraging. I always appreciate you
Dude, thanks for the encouragement. I don’t have any answers either. I know that the condemnation is is not right. And I know there ‘must’ be a reason. I think the samurai/warrior motif might be the answer.
James, I guess I don’t know how else to live, other than this way. I was trying to write chapter for my THRIVE book…and they just wouldn’t come. I realized it was because this was bubbling up in my soul.
I hope it gives others hope, like it did me when I reread it.
Thank you for voicing what is so hard for us to lend words to. I can understand ( to some degree) what you’re going through. When people say that to me its hard to believe them. So maybe I dont fully understand your struggle but your words ring with familiarity and truth. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for sharing Chris. Hopefully you speaking out will help others realize they can get through depression. Better yet, it may encourage them to share.
This is amazing and courageous. This line really resonates: “I am learning to see myself as a warrior, a veteran of many battles.” What a positive approach. Thanks for sharing your struggle.
Chris – You know I can relate. This past month has been a struggle. Keep writing my friend.
Dude, thanks for stopping by and voicing your thoughts here. I really appreciate it. It’s hard for me to appreciate someone else’s experience at times too.
I know that, for many men, it is taboo to admit we don’t have it all together. Except here’s the thing – most of us don’t, and we are just faking it.
That line right there is as much statement faith for me as anything else Diane. I am learning to walk this out. So far, so good. We will see what tomorrow brings.
Rick, you are in my prayers. You’ve got my contact info, if you ever want to talk.
One night in the midst of my own despair, the Lord gave me that same verse. It did not end the depression, but it did quiet the inner critic and gave me a measure of peace. Thank you for sharing this–it is good for us to know we are not alone, and there is strength to be had in reaching out in spite of our own pain. Grace and peace to you, fellow warrior.
Powerful post, Chris from a brave warrior.
Yes, exactly – quieting the inner critic. That’s it.
We are never alone, are we?
Joan, thanks!
Even if you’re not quite in the mood for getting positive feedback, this is great writing Chris. Straight from the depths… Keep going.
Audrey, I will always take positive feedback 🙂
Coming from you especially, I am very honored to hear this.
Thank you much
You are right about men. I have been fooling people for years. Only I am probably not fooling anyone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78rYxTYH2BE This song came to mind…I’ve been there brother…
What an accurate description of depression. I especially love the warrior imagery. Thanks for sharing, Chris.
April,
I like some of BarlowGirl stuff, but I haven’t heard this one. It’s a great representation of how I feel. It actually also captures the way I view my faith overall. It’s not a nice stroll in the park, but I can be victorious.
It was the warrior imagery that was so revolutionary for me. I’ve spent a good part of my life Kendra feeling less-than because I am not always shiny and happy.
Through your dark clouds, you have discovered your silver lining: you are a warrior. What a wonderful revelation to fall back on when times get tough.
Denise, I agree. This builds a reservoir of strength for me. I hope it does the same for others as they read and consider this perspective as well.
Deep, powerful, and accurate.
A warrior with you.
Great post Chris. Sometimes all we can do is be glad that God is in the darkness with us. And since he is the light, it is enough. But oh, the silence is deafening. I’ll be praying you through March.
Thank you Pamela
Yes, darkness and silence. But yet I am not alone. Thanks for the prayers Anne
Your vulnerability makes you a warrior as well, Chris! Each time we allow someone else a glimpse into our struggles by which they may gather courage and hope for their own journey, that is a selfless act of bravery. So much here resonated with me; this is one I will bookmark and revisit often for a refresher course!
Valorie,
You just made my day. By greatest hope in sharing this was that others would be inspired and encouraged by my openness.
I think every writer loves hearing their words are meaningful enough to read again. 🙂
Admire your courage and honesty Chris, I know too well just how awful depression can be. Hope and pray March soon improves for you.
I call it, ‘The Fog’.
Mine arrives between August and December 31st.
It began in my 30’s.
I lean into a playlist I created called, Healing and a note to refer to so I don’t forget some important things. The note is called, ‘When the cloud descends.’
It’s nice to meet you, Chris
Rob,
I like the idea of writing a note to myself when I’m not in the midst of this heaviness to remind myself of some truths. I am definitely going to do that. Thanks for stopping by
Thanks Mandy – I appreciate the kind words and the hopeful thoughts.
Wow! You describe it perfectly…heavy water…I can see it, I can feel it, I know what it is like to feel that way, with and without medicine. Moreover, I identified with there is nothing anyone can do; except, be true, faithful, loving, and non-judgmental — my addition. That’ s a description of my wonderful husband. What you said about “just pray” is so true and deep. Those that know us and care for us with their prayers going to the most awesome, mysterious Lord of All is exactly what what we need when depressed. I hope and Pray your depression is better. I have been struggling somewhat myself this month: it’s frustrating. Hugs from a sister in Christ.
Deborah,
First, I’m sorry you know the weight of depression. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
I love your addition of non-judgmental, because too many judge those of us who struggle with depression. As if loving Jesus more would solve our problem somehow.
Hugs accepted, and returned! 🙂