I am thrilled to be giving my friend Nita Holiday the opportunity to share some of her words today. Nita Holiday is a wife, mom, booknerd and Minnesotan. She is finishing her second novel and hopes to see her work as a tattered paperback on an airport bench one day. She likes people, so come find her on Facebook or Twitter, or check out her blog.
Language is important
The words we use have all kinds of motives behind them, but all language is used to convey messages, and some of those messages are about identity.
Growing up, my family was selective about language. There was a list of words our family didn’t say:
- “Shut up”
- Curse words
- Taking the Lord’s name in vain (bad enough to merit its own category aside from cursing)
- Crass talk or potty humor
Our parents even made a point of banning the word “fart”, substituting instead “fanny burp” which is 100 times worse if you ask me. I don’t know if blind adherence to principle took over, or if one of us kids said “fart” and in a panic they tried for a substitute and then were stuck with it, but I’d say this was a miss. A wide, whiffing miss.
When I was newly independent and feeling confident, during a visit home I made a point of telling my mom about something that “pissed me off.” I knew full well this was one the list of words that were frowned upon. There was something liberating about asserting myself this way. I pushed her buttons and provided evidence that I was making my own decisions, about my life and about my language.
Recently my nine year old, whom we’ll call Rex, has been getting sassy. He’s tossed back smart aleck comments and questioned the reasons we are in authority and he’s not. (That sounds more formal than it really is. Usually it’s “Why are you guys the boss?” and dreams of the day when he’s in charge.)
While this is irritating and requires active parenting so Rex doesn’t turn into a disrespectful sassafras, I must admit I’m secretly happy about it.
The short version is that Rex is a very compliant first-born, people-pleaser kid. He is flexible and wants to make things work for everybody. There is an earnestness in him that makes my heart ache. So when he digs in his heels and takes a stand, even while it irritates and inconveniences me, he is taking himself seriously, valuing his needs, sticking up for himself.
Words help us do that, don’t they?
They help us take ourselves seriously.
By proclaiming something with words, we can take hold of a new identity
The Bible talks about our brain activity, saying it’s best to think on things that are pure, true, lovely, excellent and praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8).
Thinking is no more than speaking words in our heads
Rex and I have talked at length about focusing his mental energy on positive things, because that which you feed, grows.
Rex’s words help him become separate from us, and isn’t that the underlying goal of parenting in the first place? Nobody wants to bottle feed a fully-capable adult. That wouldn’t be healthy. When Rex talks back to me or my husband, he is experimenting with his own personhood, pushing to see where we end and he begins.
If the pendulum needs to swing over to Rex being lippy for a while in order for him to become a confident, assertive, independent person, that’s okay with me. I’m willing to see the good in it and wait for that pendulum to swing back to the middle. I just hope it doesn’t take too long.
Has anyone used words to affirm something in you? Have you used words to affirm something in yourself? How can you use words to assert yourself this week?
Seriously now, go over to Nita’s blog.
I really enjoyed your post and am SO happy that you’re okay with this phase. I have raised 3 kids (youngest still at home and turned 14 yesterday). So many parents don’t allow their kids to question or push against boundaries. In my opinion, this is a mistake. My oldest had to be reigned in from time to time but she makes excellent decisions and stands by them even when they aren’t popular. My middle child, a son, was the compliant and sensitive one and although he is doing pretty well, it saddens me that he questions himself all the time and can sometimes be led into doing things he doesn’t want to (or knows he shouldn’t). And our youngest is the pistol!! But he is a leader and is the kid who sticks up for kids who can’t stick up for themselves. Reading this really made my day!!
Penny at Mom Rants and Comfy Pants
Penny, isn’t it wild that three children raised in the same home can be so different? This parenting thing is a lot of work in so many ways, one of which is the way it is sometimes necessary to tailor-make the parenting, rather than just rubber stamping something.
Thanks for your kind words, and for reading today!
Penny, isn’t it wild that three children raised in the same home can be so different? This parenting thing is a lot of work in so many ways, one of which is the way it is sometimes necessary to tailor-make the parenting, rather than just rubber stamping something.
Thanks for your kind words, and for reading today! -Nita
I am a life-long people pleaser, and I know what you mean about not wanting your son to grow up like that. I want my kids to be polite, but assertive. When they were smaller, we did alot of role-playing to teach them how to stand up for themselves.
Thanks for your comment, Kathleen. I’m a people pleaser too, and I know what it’s like to be that middle person who tries to keep others happy. I agree with you – I want my kids to be polite and respectful, but able to communicate what they need and be willing to say what they think. I love the idea of role-playing to practice this, and it sounds like your kids are going to be a step ahead because of what you’re doing. ~Nita
We raised our children to be independent and question authority, but we never realized they would turn it against us! In all seriousness, I am with Nita on this one—I am thrilled when my kids assert themselves. It will serve them well for the rest of their lives
Kathleen,
I’m glad you stopped by to read Nita’s wonderful challenge to us. We’ve never done role-playing, and after reading your thoughts here I wish we had.
Thanks for your post Nita. I grew up in a home where we dared not question our parents. I came home once asking about a word I had heard at school. I was told I would have been taken shopping, but because I said that word I would not be going. Because of my upbringing, I struggled with all authority feeling I never had the option of questioning it. I love that my grandchildren can talk to me about anything. So the lack of freedom taught me the value of it.
Anne, I understand where you’re coming from. Those early years can really ingrain certain attitudes in us. I’m sorry that your natural curiosity was met with a stone wall. What a blessing that your grandchildren can talk with you, that you’re a safe place for them. You are giving them a huge gift.
It’s funny how often our parenting is a reflection of how we were raised, positively or otherwise. I was not raised in an open home—my dad was right all the time, every day. I made an intentional choice to raise my 4 kids differently. I wonder how they will raise my grandkids?
For several years I was told swearing was bad. By the time I hit my mid-teens some words became okay. I could say “crap” or “damn” around my dad and stepmom but anything else was a no-no. This lasted until my mid to late 20s when, as an adult, I started pushing the buttons more. That was my shift into “I’m an adult. If you don’t like my swearing, tough.”
My dad used to be the one who was more lenient about swearing. The last time we spoke (several months ago I’m afraid) he would make a stink about my potty mouth. My mom used to be the one who’d chastise me for swearing. Now, she’s dropping F-bombs almost as often as I am! It’s funny how things change in so short a period of time (we’re talking no more than 5-7 years here).
I think that if my husband and I had kids we’d be open to a little sass as well. With the way we talk and banter we’d be hypocrites if we said no to swearing or engaging in potty humor. But, I guess that’s one of those things that will be known for certain only if/when we do have children.