Sometimes the weight of here is just too much. The burden of the moment nearly breaks my back. I cry up in confusion and anger to my God, “WHY? Have I offended you? Do you love me this little? Where are you in this moment, here, right now?”
My here is overwhelming right now, as I write at 3:47 am because I cannot possibly go back to sleep yet. My youngest son just had a febrile seizure about ten minutes ago. For the record, he’s NOT the one with epilepsy. He is one of the healthy kiddos in my household. But he had a seizure.
I already felt the weight on my back was too much. Now this. I don’t blame God, and I don’t want you to hear that in my rant/whine.
I wonder if this is my fault. If I have pissed off my powerful demon enough, and not loved God enough, that I am opening a door for this to happen.
And there is is. The bad teaching of decades past . If something bad is happening in my here and now, it must be my fault. I have character issues. It’s not God. It’s not life. It’s not possible for anything but me to be at fault.
Nope. I refuse to believe those lies this time. Not here. Not now. I still don’t know why this happened, but it is not because of me. It sucks, but it’s not my fault another child of mine had a seizure.
This is part of the Five Minute Fridays link up. To find out more about Five Minute Fridays, click here.
That had to be hard to write about so early in the morning. I’m praying for you and your family.
Thank you for the prayers. Seizures are part of the warp and woof of the Morris Clan, so it’s easier for me than most. This is a tough moment to swallow though
Thank you for your honesty.You are absolutely right. This is not your fault. I will be praying for your son and your whole family.
Chris my heart goes out to your family
TOTALLY not your fault. My heart is heavy for you… And it presses me to pray.
Bria, thanks for the prayers. I know it’s not not fault, but it’s easy to think that at 3:45 am you know?
Jolene, thank you so much
Praying for you! I am so glad that you can see this is most certainly NOT your fault. Don’t let those lies eat at you.
Oh my goodness! I do know about those 3:45 am thinking spirals that leave you feeling horrible and like you just need sleep and you can’t and you know God’s in control but what the heck is He doing and things are just so hard. Praying for a good night’s sleep for your family tonight.
Let me just say this to each of you: Thank you SO VERY MUCH for listening to my early morning sadness and encouraging me, on this site, via email, and on FB. You. All. Rock!
Tammy,
Thanks for the kinds thoughts here, and the email you sent. Continually being an encourager for me. You are awesome!
Sleep and perspective — both good things, right?
Christa,
I think we are getting back to okay now. My son seems fine this afternoon. Just such an unexpected shock to the system
dude! wow! didn’t read this until just now cuz i’ve been busy, but holy buttons! you’re right: this is not your fault. scary? yes. confusing? yes. but god is with you through it all, even if he doesn’t provide any immediate explanation.
thinking of and praying for you, my friend!
So scary! I read in the comments that he’s feeling better. I hope your “here” starts to feel safe again.
Laura Hedgecock
http://www.TreasureChestofMemories.com
http://www.Twitter.com/LauraLHedgecock
Chris my heart cried for you as I read this. The weight is so heavy to carry but thanks God He is waiting there for us to hand it all over to Him. Praying for you and your family. Thank you for sharing.
Praying your child recovers in Jesus name!
Thanks Tim. I wouldn’t expect you to think you’d read my blog to get an update on my life. Usually, we talk or text or Facebook. FMF and his seizure coincided, that’s all.
Safety is returning to my here again, thankfully
I read this at work on my lunch hour but couldn’t respond (computer issues). Just wanted to tell you my heart aches for you but I rejoice that you know … you KNOW … it’s not your fault. It’s not a “fault” at all. It’s a fallen world where we will have trials and tribulations. Thank God, thank God, He has overcome the world. Be strong and courageous, friend. Never forget in the darkness what you knew to be true in the light. I keep your family in my prayers.
Susan,
Every day is a reminder to me that we live in a busted world. Sometimes I feel the busted more than I feel God. This morning was one of those times. Starting to find my center a bit now, as i am certain that my youngest is indeed alright
Praying for your family.
I am TRULY sorry and I will say a prayer. God is a mystery in many ways, we just have to believe that his reasons have a path …..
Karen, I am learning much about trusting God in the dark this year