I literally couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The tenor of the entire meeting turned gross with no warning. Mockery and derision about concepts and people I admire.
I felt literally sick to my stomach, but I said nothing. I was the newest member of the organization, and this was the first meeting I was invited to join. It was not my place to judge or voice disagreement.
But I had a very important decision to make – did I want to continue to participate in a group that was against what I stood for, and was actually considering steps that would antagonize those who held my exact beliefs?
Time to consult the circle of trust
I was shellshocked. I needed help. So I turned to my trusted advisors, my circle of trust.
In the movie Meet the Parents, Robert De Niro’s character Jack Byrnes shares some great truth with Gaylord Focker. If we don’t have our own circle of trust, we are in trouble.
We all need a small group of friends, the 3 – 5 people we absolutely trust with our ugliness, our fears, our internal sin. Usually some combination of spouses, family, work colleagues, college buddies, and childhood friends – this core group of people have the greatest influence in our lives. These are the people who we listen to when they speak into our lives.
Including my wife, I have five people I try to talk to before I make any major decisions. Two of them I have known about eighteen months, one met my wife when we started dating, and the last is the person who convinced me I still had something to offer as a leader in the church.
Some are pastors, some are writers, and some are neither. But they have some things in common, characteristics that everyone in a circle of trust should have if they are going to help you thrive.
This is the most important. Each of these five people know my heart. They know who I am, who I hope to be, and how I want to get there. Even if I sound like a royal jerk, they know that is not who I am. They also know my wounds, so they know when a situation has touched a tender spot in my heart.
I am not always going to get the same answer from all five people in my ‘circle of trust.’ Sometimes, my wife will give me a completely different answer than my writing friends, and I will get a third answer from my pastor friends. Actually, that’s exactly the point. I need to hear and understand multiple points of view, so I can make the choice that will help me THRIVE.
What’s the value of having an advisor who won’t listen, you ask? Not much, and yet it can be surprisingly difficult to find people who will stop talking long enough to hear my story. I mean, really listen and hear even what I am not saying, instead of moving at warp-speed to telling a “This reminds of when I…” story.
They also have some traits that uniquely qualify them to be one of my advisors. They own certain qualities that fill in my blind spots.
I desperately need this. I am usually even-keeled, but then there are times I am most definitely not calm or rational. I get all worked up sometimes and ready to make a brash decision that will impact my family and my future…over nothing. Or I allow fear over some possibility in the future to terrorize and paralyze me. I need advisors who tell me to slow down when I am buying (or selling) some BS.
Not everyone is willing to step out and say, “You are just wrong.” All my advisors will do this, using almost these exact words. Some would rather be more subtle, but I sometimes miss subtle. So they give it to me blunt.
Everyone needs a carefully selected inner circle
This circle of trust can keep us from running away from painful relationships, when what we really need to do is press through and find healing. These advisors will tell us when we are wrong. They will broaden our horizons. They will keep us on the path toward THRIVE. Not everyone needs BS detectors or bluntness.
Amen brother. We need a circle of trust to pick us up when we’re down, and slap us down when our heads get too big.
I love that — pick us up and slap us down. I thought I was the only one who needed both 🙂
I don’t like to get slapped down, but sometimes I just need it, cause sometimes I’m just dead wrong.
If anyone LIKES that, there is something wrong with them. Or maybe that’s just me…
I hope people stop and reflect on this, the people I go to in my inner circle always tell me how it is. Even when it stings. I learned to keep this circle tighter for my deepest stuff, making the mistake of casting too large an opinion net wound up crushing some dreams instead of uplifting them
Sadly, I think finding our inner circle is a process of trial and error to a certain degree. I too have trusted people too much, and they have stomped on my heart instead of treasuring it.
Thank goodness for those in this circle. They are willing to call our BS, BS, but they are pulling for our best. They are not only friends but are willing to rub on our rough spots to sharpen us as well. They want the best for us. They encourage us and they’re for us. They are not just our fans but want us to become the best version of ourselves even when that can be difficult. Most of all they stick with us through the highs and lows; we know they can be trusted. That is priceless.
#dudewriters4ever
Yes, so true Chris. Friends to help us up, and keep us grounded.
Proverbs 11:14 tells us that in the midst of counselors there is safety: without it, we fall. I depend a great deal on the wisdom of my husband and my children (who are now adults), as well as prayer. My circle is pretty small, but counsel is sure.
So true Shelley — I think having too wide a circle is really a separate problem. We need to seek wisdom, not the popular answer right?
I love this — “They are not just our fans but want us to become the best version of ourselves even when that can be difficult.” Good thoughts Troy
Spot on Chris. Great post.
Thanks Chris I appreciate your heart and your words.
Absolutely true! Beautiful!
Thanks James – really appreciate it
“They own certain qualities that fill in my blind spots.”
This is a great post as a whole, but this point is so important! I’ve had to rebuild some of my circle over the last year, and I’ve noticed that I have several people of different approaches, but none are afraid to tell me when I’m missing something. That’s what I need. It’s very similar to how my mother used to say that I could have a lot of friends but only one mother. She had to tell me the truth and parent me no matter what I wanted to hear. The same is true with our circles of trust. I can have a lot of people surrounding me that will tell me that I’m doing well; I need the group that isn’t afraid to tell me that I’m not.
Thanks for another great post, Chris.
I love the Circle of Trust concept. If everyone used theirs more often (for the important things, not for every little thing), I think everyone would make better decisions. Glad you have a good one to rely on.
Staci,
You’ve hit on another key point here. There is a danger of us being afraid to do ANYTHING without the ‘approval’ of others. I think we probably know people like this too. But personally, I am prone to leap, then think…and it’s hard to change course once gravity is working against you.
I love it when you stop by and read my word Katina — you are such an encourager!
Stephanie,
Finding those who will tell us more than “Great job” is really hard, isn’t it? I think it starts with knowing ourselves well enough to know where we think better (and worse) or us than we ought. Then it’s a matter of carefully testing the waters of trust with others. Sadly, even families are not a guaranteed safety net, so it does take trial and error.
Dear Chris
This is so very true. We are all part of the body of our Lord Jesus and we are ail supposed to love one another with the love the Holy Spirit has poured into our hearts. But alas, this is not always the case. When I think of a physical body, all members suffer when one member is ill. It is so well illustrated with the Fm/CFS I suffer from. It is mostly a neurological disease, but it affects my whole body. I am looking forward to your book and I know that you are a brother who doesn’t just talk, but you write from experience.
Blessings XX
Mia
You’re right; there should be a happy middle. I hope you find it before gravity sucks you down!
I am learning to work with gravity instead of against it. I AM a slow learner though 🙂
Mia,
You are such an encouragement to me. Thanks for continuing to be part of this community!