I was recently betrayed by someone very close to me. It hurts so much, and I fear it will never stop hurting. The words said, the anger behind them, and the emotion in them all conspired to cut me to the very center of my heart. I honestly don’t feel like writing, don’t feel like eating, don’t feel like reading, and barely even have the interest to put the TV on and veg. I just hurt.
My initial response the other night as I laid in bed, crying about this betrayal, sounded like this:
I will never allow someone close enough to hurt me in this way again.
A part of me wanted to hang onto this choice, to close myself off from the world. It would be safe. Nobody can hurt an armored heart.
But nobody can touch an armored heart either. Choosing safety means choosing to be alone. I know deep in my spirit that God did not create men and women to be separate. More importantly, I know me well enough to know I will quickly fade away, withered by the stale air of isolation.
I need to keep my heart unguarded, even though it will hurt again.
So I will hesitantly pull my wounded aching (not achey-breakey, aching) heart out of the armor I placed it in a few days ago. Let it breathe the raw dangerous air of trust and community. Pain is better than isolation.
How do you deal with betrayal?
James Prescott
Thanks for sharing so honestly Chris. I have never been betrayed in this way before, and now realise how fortunate I am. The pain resounds through your words. Thanks for being so honest about this.
Devani Anjali Alderson
it’s always better to just work through it… close yourself off for a little while, enough to re-gain yourself, then brush yourself off, and open up again. I’m sorry you had to go through that, it’s painful and hard to recover from, but maybe the person, if they are a true friend come back and apologize. While things may never be the same, you can only move forward. Dust off, lesson learned, forgive, and move on…
Chris Morris
James, for better or for worse, this is the only way I know how to write. Brutally honest about where I am in a given moment.
Chris Morris
Thanks for the good thoughts Devani. I am already in the process of brushing myself off. I am also grieving the loss of the type of relationships I had with this person, while hoping we can salvage something still
James Prescott
Not being critical Chris – as you probably know through reading my work, being brutally honest is the type of writing which is most powerful & I love. We need more honesty in writing.
Chris Morris
I did not hear critical. Thanks for clarifying though
tim gallen
wow, brother, i’m so sorry to hear of such a betrayal. but, as usual, you reveal a truth that is found in such pain: that by opening up and putting our hearts on the line, we open ourselves up for pain, yet also great love and relationship.
brilliant, as always, friend!
Chris Morris
Tim,
Thanks for the encouragement, and your friendship
Christa Sterken
You didn’t sound critical James! Chris, the raw emotion of your words is what always draws me in. Never dull and fluff. I am sorry for your sting, betrayal is hard to move around. I was an armor girl for years, took a lot of work to take risks. I love people so much, just can’t resist. I never regret living openly, vulnerably. Because that is life! Hiding our hearts cheats us, cheats others, and doesn’t fix problems
Chris Morris
Some days I want to regret living outside the armor. I spent too many years though playing at being human while risking nothing. I have to move forward with heart unguarded, despite the crippling pain I feel right now
Pamela Hodges
“Pain is better than isolation.”
You are so right Chris. I will remember that the next time I want to hide and not risk being hurt.
Sorry to hear of the betrayal. Pain is painful.
Chris Morris
Thanks for the kind words, and the affirmation
Michelette Younker
Not that I could ever understand that process……
Chris Morris
Michelette, I don’t follow you here. Almost everyone has experienced this, at least once.
Kathleen Caron
Hi Chris, I read yesterday but didn’t get a chance to respond. I think the only answer is that Jesus said we must forgive, 7 times 70, so there must be a way. He forgave Peter for betraying him. He forgave us all. He forgives me for all the times I have betrayed him. We have to forgive and then God will show us the way forward. That’s all I have.
La McCoy
Exactly!
Chris Morris
Plus, Ephesians 4:32 tells us to forgive as God in Christ has forgiven us. Easier said than done, but necessary nonetheless. I have often wondered how this idea matches up against the concept of not leaving yourself open to be taken advantage of, particularly in situations like mine where the betrayal comes after a restoration of trust and relationship.
James Prescott
That’s good Christa.:-)
James Prescott
Glad you didn’t, wasn’t intended.
oddznns
Chris … First I breath, then I pray, then I lift it up. One of the things I pray for is an ability to forgive. Another is reconciliation. Sometimes it doesn’t happen. But the lifting up lets me leave it with the One who has taken it all up from all of us anyway – both me the angry one, and the other, the betrayer. I agree with Kathleen. Try to forgive 70x 7. But if we can’t. Don’t angst about it. Lift it up.
Chris Morris
You words always encourage me Audrey: breathe, pray, lift it up. Thank you
troy mc laughlin
Being authentic and vulnerable as you are Chris I can’t help but follow your voice as a writer. Sorry that you have been through these hurtful times in your life. But I’m thankful that God can redeem any situation that we find ourselves in. Once again thanks my friend.
Chris Morris
Those are some very kind words. I hope to live up to them. And I agree, the greatness of our God to redeem is truly remarkable
Chad Jones
Chris, I’m an armor guy, too. I don’t know the specifics of your situation (nor do I want to), but I do know the pain of which you write. I had some friends do something that felt like a betrayal, and all I wanted to do was lash back. I haven’t spoken to these folks since. I think I probably need to do something about that now.
Thanks for your raw honesty.
Chris Morris
Chad,
I think we are all taught to be armor guys, aren’t we?
I made a decision to open my heart again with the ‘betrayer’ yesterday. I laid my heart out on the floor in front of him, explaining what I hoped for and why he hurt me so bad. I fear he will simply stomp again on my heart and wound me further, but I know God has called me to walk the road of forgiveness. It starts with honesty.
Let me know if I can encourage or help you to reopen communication with your friends.
Jenna Bird
About 10 years ago, I had a similar situation. It was rending. Physically, it felt like I’d been punched, or stabbed, or shot. (It was worse than a punch, but I have never ACTUALLY been stabbed or shot…)
I stopped communication with the person. I went out of my way to never be around them, not to speak with them. It wasn’t until 4 years later that I took tentative steps to talk to the person again (ultimately, I loved them and there was a reason they were able to wound me so deeply with very simple words). It was hard, it was tumultuous. I cut off contact again for another 4 years.
I still think that I am cut off from people in a way. I shut down, I withdrew. I have never quite connected to another human being so deeply. I find myself unable to do so. I’m trying, but I’m not having much luck. I’m not completely closed off – I never could be, it’s not in my nature – but I’m still very much an “arm’s length” kind of girl.
I realize perhaps I haven’t really ‘dealt’ with the issue so much as grown over/around it. Eventually, as I rebuild the friendship with this person, we will have a talk about that day, about how much he hurt me, about why, about what was going on in his life that he was keeping from me… It’ll mean reopening a few things, but I think it’ll be for the best.
michelette
Truthfully I don’t know what I was saying. I really don’t re all even writing here before.